Mom, this morning: "You need to know that when you come home or come on the family vacation, you two are not sleeping together."
My mom has been in town visiting my sister and me for the last week or so. Last night, my boyfriend and I invited her to join a dinner party we were hosting with three other couples. The plan was for her to stay overnight because it was too long a drive back to my sister's.
It occurred to me only after I extended the dinner invitation that I had a decision to make: would I sleep in my boyfriend's bedroom (as I always do), or on the couch so as not to upset my mother, who would be sleeping in the guest room? My mom, as you might know from other blog entries on here, is a conservative evangelical, i.e. very very very against premarital sex.
Well, for better or worse I decided to go with honesty as the best policy even though it would be uncomfortable for both of us. My logic was that I shouldn't pretend to live by a moral code or set of rules that I don't actually live by, and that it was more egregious to deceive my mother than to upset her with the truth.
I knew after the guests left and the three of us were left that she was upset with the arrangements. She kept trying to wash the dishes, which we were planning to leave til the morning. "C'mon Mom, we'll do them in the morning. You were a guest tonight - go to sleep!" To which she responded "How am I supposed to sleep?"
Cue the daughter really and truly falling off the good-Christian-pedestal.
This morning she left early to meet my sister for church (the "good" sister who takes all the kids to church and has basically had a nice revival of faith after her own wayward period which included sleeping with boyfriends). In the awkward quietness of her drinking cranberry juice at the dining table still covered in dishes from last night's party, Mom looked me in the eye and said: "You need to know that when you come home or come on the family vacation, you two are not sleeping together."
She went on to say how disrespectful of her values it was for me to sleep with my boyfriend (in his house where she was a guest), even though she has known, tacitly, that we have been sleeping together for months.
I didn't quite know what to say except that I was sorry for being such a disappointment and that of course we would respect her rules when in her house. "I didn't want to deceive you," I said. "When you're a parent, you'll understand," she replied. "I still love you," she said on the way out the door.
I couldn't help but start crying when she left because it feels so incredibly shitty to let down your mom. And to still feel like a child when I am 34 years old. And to feel like all she sees and thinks about now is how morally corrupt I am because I am having sex with my 36-year old boyfriend. Never mind all the other things I am; the only brush that matters now is the one that paints me as a slut in her eyes.