Recently, I’ve had flashes of “I wonder if I’m just wrong. Prideful. Just angry at God that my life hasn’t gone how I wanted it to.” Maybe all my blogging is just that of an exceptionally angry person who is rebelling against God in an elaborate and drawn out way.
Two things have triggered this kind of thinking.
One is the general sense of aimlessness I’ve had over the last year or two. Life used to make so much sense – my (divine) purpose in life was clear, and it was the touchstone by which I measured everything I said and did. Obviously there were some big down sides to that (it didn’t necessarily bear a close relationship to truth, and there was a lot of guilt/fear involved)… but there were some up-sides that I miss. Namely, I am a much more selfish person these days. Maybe some of that is simple backlash after not having paid much attention to my own needs and wants for so long. All the same, I don’t have the same sense of altruism (for lack of a better word) or “others-focus” that I once had. That feels like a huge loss and I’m not sure how to recapture it without also taking back on board the unhelpful theological baggage I’ve been trying to get rid of. I don’t have much of a concept of God at all anymore – not just a Christian god. ANY god. Or a benevolent, loving one, anyway. Yet how do you cultivate deep care for your fellow man without some overarching bigger “story” about what life is all about? Maybe I’d be better off trying to cobble some kind of faith back together. Or maybe I’ve been really wrong about all of this de-conversion stuff, and this is my conscience (or “the holy spirit” as some might say) telling me so? I don’t know. I just know I feel restless and not-yet-settled in my theological thoughts and views.
I’ll write about the second one in the coming days… I am still trying to sort it out and put it into words.