Sunday, February 22, 2009

Things that make you go hmmm.

Through the wonders of Facebook, last night I found my 2004 ex-boyfriend's now-wife. He got married about two years after we broke up and they've since had a child. By all appearances (on FB and her linked blog) they seem very happy.

I was madly in love with this guy, and crushed when he broke up with me for no discernable reason. The failure of that relationship was a major triggering event in my de-conversion, because I spent months afterward praying for reconciliation, and 100% convinced (for a number of reasons) that God was leading me to pray for reconciliation. When it didn't happen, I couldn't help but question the entire prayer experience. Et voila, my de-conversion kicked into high gear.

So what would have happened had we not broken up? Would my faith have remained intact? If so, I sure wonder why God would just sit back, not answer my prayers, and watch my faith implode.

But maybe if we hadn't broken up, some other disappointing event would have led to my de-conversion. In that case, it was surely better for my ex (and for me) that we didn't wind up together; in fact, it was almost...providential that we broke up. Except, wait, I don't think I believe in that stuff anymore.

It's an odd thing to ponder.


Shanghai_or_Bust said...

I've had similar thoughts about my ex. Although my dislike for church services had begun rubbing off on her. If we had gotten married(we were engaged), we probably would not have gone to church much. Deconversion was a lot easier without her there as a distraction, I'm sure. She nagged too much. :D

Slapdash said...


A friend said last night that the "faith" answer to the situation is that God knew I had to go through this period/phase/test and that the relationship had to end in order to trigger this process.

Quite an optimistic view, assuming, as it does, that I will find my way back to faith.

Shanghai_or_Bust said...

Yes, it's often that people assume that this is just another phase of life(adolesence, mid-life, etc.) and it will pass, but I have a feeling that it may be slightly more permanent.

p.s. I've really enjoyed following your journey.

Nate said...

I think God was not messing with your life just so you would deconvert. He was also allowing you to know him better. He was saying, "I am not a genie that grants wishes." He is not the faerie Godfather that grants our fondest desires. He is who he is. He accpts you for who you are, can you accept him for who he is?

atimetorend said...

in fact, it was almost...providential that we broke up.

It's funny when we start applying christian thinking to de-conversion. Maybe God isn't who I thought he was and he wanted me to stop thinking he was real. Or maybe he really is just a cosmic-force kind of God who is influencing me. Maybe I'm the only true believer now... ;^)

Anonymous said...

Haha, I know those thought processes. Having a "purpose driven" view of the universe caused so much heart-ache for me. All the events in life I thought were "God's will" and ended up imploding.

And then there are those events that happen now that if I were still a Christian I would take as "signs" that it was God's will... but I don't believe in Him anymore. Ironic?

Yeah, those are the things that make me go hmmm... too!

Traveller said...

It's not precisely related to this post but kind of... I wonder if you might like this post at "Internet Monk" site--He rants and seems angry, disgusted and frustrated, at a lot of things that I think you've seen as problems in church and christianity (me too). It's long, but refreshing--he admits a lot of the crap that goes on.

Traveller said...

P.S. The above-mentioned link. The comments and stories included are pretty amazing too. As good as the post... lots of raw honesty.

Jennifer said...

I'm going through this right now - except I can't stop trusting God. I can't stop fighting for my faith, because I know it was real. I know I experienced that intimacy with God. And I completely understand praying for reconciliation... God gave me an open door to pull him back to me, but I became afraid for some reason and lost my chance. So now I can't feel the love of God, I don't have a conscience or the Spirit's guidance anymore, and I know it's because I was chasing him instead of leaving it to God to change his heart. I think we're like believers Paul talks about in Hebrews 6. We knew God for sure at one time. Now... without that purifying and beautiful spiritual romance... how can we be made salty again?
There is nothing left for us but judgment. :( That's not even depressing and I'm not trying to condemn anyone. That's just what the Word says. I've been trying to look up all sorts of views on that section about apostates, but when I try to pray there's just no life anymore. I feel like the walking dead.
The guy who left me to follow God is falling in love with this other woman, and I can see them getting Married and having a kid in two years.

Jennifer said...

But, I'm sorry, I thought it was very interesting to find someone who's been there. And to see your conclusions to the matter.