This morning, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years broke up with me. It's a long story, and not really worth hashing out on my de-conversion blog.
I'm devastated. No question. My head is swarming with the "what ifs" and "buts" and "this isn't really happening, is it?" questions. But you know what's NOT going on in my head right now? "God, where were you in all this? God, why is this incredible pain part of your plan for me? God, why are you so determined to see me fail in all my relationships?"*
And that, in itself, makes this so much easier to cope with.
*Folks, I realize these aren't theologically 'correct' questions to ask God so I would ask you to kindly refrain from trying to set me straight on that count. My point is that it feels incredibly freeing not to worry about what kind of eternal lesson I am supposed to learn from this, or to wonder what kind of all-loving God would continually put me through this kind of shit.
About Me
- Slapdash
- I think I may be in the process of de-converting from my once strong Christian faith. It's a frustrating, upsetting, maddening process even if it is also liberating. I do not intend to offend (though I may), but I do intend to be pretty damn honest.
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18 comments:
There are precious few comforts when you've been hit by one of life's emotional "trucks", and it is an undeniable relief to let go of those kinds of circular questions, whose trite answers are often just bigger questions hopelessly disguised.
I don't know what to say, so I'll just shut up now, but I'll be around. If you lived near me, you know I'd at least try to look you up and come over with a big bottle of wine and a bucket of ice cream. Alas - I hope the thought counts for something...
Hi, jennypo. The thought definitely counts. Thanks. :)
That sucks. I'm sorry.
I agree, being free to recognize that shit just happens sometimes (pardon my French) is a cognitive load off. In a strange way, it makes more sense of the world than trying to explain it through God's Plan For Us.
So sorry.....not even going to try and add something 'feelbettery', this is a pain that you must bear, but one I truly believe will make you stronger and that much more wiser the next time around.
From my humble Christian perspective, I wish more so-called believers had the courgage not to blame God for such things. I am so sick and tired of the christian copout excuses for every little thing that doesn't go their way! I believe in a God of consequences (this is not a reflection of blame on you or your relationship--just a general statement). I get physically ill at the weak-minded Christ-claimers who don't have the balls to deal with the aftermath of their own descisions and/or eff-ups.
Again, don't want to know what happened or why, but I'm pretty sure you entered in to this formal relationship of your own free will, yes? God didn't force you...unless you lived on a compound in Texas....did you? Is that why you moved to the east coast? You poor child!!!!! kidding
anywho, I do hope you have some authentic friends around you who can give you comfort and/or space when you need it.
good things
I know what that pain feels like and I'm SO sorry! Grieve, eat chocolate, shop, pour out everything to a trusted friend - do anything you feel you need to do for your healing.
seriously. sucks. a lot. hang in there.... :(
I suck at html:
sorry
here:
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Thanks everyone for your comments.
LowenD, I'll have to watch your links over the weekend - I'm on the road for work and have a slow internet connection.
As for your mini-rant about people blaming God for stuff / not taking responsibility... okay I know you were making a general statement but it is hard not to feel it being directed against me and my situation. Which, as you said, you don't know anything about.
So I will just take this chance to say that the flip side of giving Jesus all the praise anytime anything goes right is giving Jesus responsibility when things go wrong. (And that doesn't preclude personal responsibility!) But this particular entry isn't about that - as I said, it's such a relief NOT to be worrying about what God might or might not have done/meant/intended - nor do I think you meant to stir anything up with your comment, so I'll leave that for another time. This breakup is about two people who care about each other struggling through some hard stuff and needing to be apart.
Hi, Slapdash.
I'm sorry to hear about the breakk-up.
If you need someone to rant at or talk "at" (as in, talk out loud to work through something) or anything, you can e-mail me at windravenus@yahoo.com.
I also hope that when you tell your family, they're supportive. Based on prior descriptions, I have this image of your mother saying that's what you get for being involved with a heathen or something.
Thanks, OSS. For the time being I've decided not to tell people IRL just yet. It's kind of a complex situation and there's some chance we're not over yet...so I want to see what happens over the next couple of weeks before I face, well, my mom's likely happiness (for lack of a better word) at the demise of my relationship.
Hmm, well sometimes it would be nice to believe in God. You know, for karmic revenge or something.
It turns out my ex cheated on me. Needless to say, things are definitively, thoroughly, completely over.
It's weird. I've never been cheatd on before. It's opening up a whole new realm of anger, pain, and self-doubt that I've not experienced with prior breakups.
Not entirely sure how to deal with it.
Yes, "'Vengeance is mine' saith the Lord, 'I will repay,'" is vastly more concrete and satisfying to the one who has been stepped on than "What goes around comes around"...
slapdash,
That double sucks. Be good to yourself.
POW...this sort of thing just sucks the life out of you. I can completely feel your pain.
And so we now witness the aftermath of investing ones self in a relationship. Any relationship of substance requires personal risk, and your trust has been violated.
I wish for you to heal as quickly as possible from this offense and look back on this event as just another learning experience. Though you could care less about this now, this will surely make you a wiser and more love-expereinced partner for some lucky guy.
good things.
Part of what feels so hard is to think that this person that I loved and trusted...was not someone who was actually trustworthy. Like he has morphed before my eyes into someone I don't know.
And if I had had my wits about me sooner, and paid attention to the flags, I would have run screaming from this relationship instead of investing more and more of myself in it and him.
Any tips to help me recover?
**It turns out my ex cheated on me. Needless to say, things are definitively, thoroughly, completely over.**
Ouch. I hope that when you found out, he didn't try blaming you, or saying you were responsible.
My roommate from college was in the same situation. Her boyfriend of a few years cheated on her as well. They had started dating while going to the same college, then he went far out of state (a few hours on a plane type of distance) for med school. About a year after that, she found out he cheated on her with someone at that school.
The main thing that helped her was time. Which isn't what you're looking for right now. :-\
Hey Slap,
First of all beating yourself up over what was essentially HIS decision won't help one bit.
As I'm sure you've already deduced by now, there is no quick fix. The only bit of hope I can give you--from someone who has had his heart chewed up and spit out more times than I care to count--that each time you get back on your feet and jump in to the pool, hand your heart over on a silver platter only to have it mangeled and left for you to fish out of the pool filter, then crawl back out and dry yourself off, you grow stronger and wiser. Until you have honed your senses, to recongnize is good for you and what partner is best suited to stay with you for life, you must repeat this cycle. Unfortunatly this isn't one of those "knowledge is power" situations...experience is the only way to get this little lesson.
When my wife and I finally met, we had both gone through our own heart-breacking trials (completely different for each person, some more some less, some worse, some...well they just suck!) so that it litterally took one date for us to know that "this is the one".
Of course this won't apply to everyone, but its like going to the gym, you're never going to get results without suffering some pain...which is precisely why I don't go to the gym!
you'll be fine. Take the time to heal, don't dwell too much on this guy, who was obviously thinking with his little head, and get back out there when you're ready.
good times.
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